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The Gauntlet II

Written by sdettorre

Adapting to the real world is difficult. Figuring out what to do with your life after college has many decisions that need to be made. What kind of job do you want? Where do you want to live? How much money is the least you can afford to live on? And if you’re single, where can you enjoy your early to mid 20s the most? The average college grad has to make this decision within a few months of receiving his/her diploma. My colleague The Northern Belle does a masterful job of letting us in on her experiences in this exciting yet uncertain part of life. However, there are a select few that are somehow putting off any semblance of a practical life by returning season after season on MTV’s Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

In the spirit of my last column on an MTV show (Laguna Beach) I’m going to write this one in real-time as I watch the season premiere of The Gauntlet II. I am writing this on a Thursday night and the show airs Monday at 10. Thank you DVR, thank you.

A map of Tobago was just shown along with tropical birds, beautiful sandy beaches and breaking waves. I’m going to guess that this is the secluded paradise where the Challenge takes place. I wish they’d put one of these challenges in somewhere other than a spring break destination. If I was running MTV, and one day I hope I am, these challenges would be in places no one would ever want to go, let alone be “stranded” in, like Manitoba in the winter, Death Valley in the summer, or Boston during baseball season.

We have our first cast mate interview and it’s Robyn from Real World San Diego. She said she has a really good vibe from this cast and that this challenge is awesome. No kidding it’s awesome. Leaving their hard jobs of promoting bar and club openings to spend some time at the beach while partying every night and doing who knows what with each other on MTV’s dime sounds like the definition of awesome. In fact I bet if you looked awesome up in Webster’s that’s exactly what it would say.

Cast mate number two just gave his two cents. This fella’s name is Derrick. He just said he’s coming into this competition to win it and that if we want to see drive, determination, and motivation we should watch him. I guess since The Miz isn’t in this season Derrick is going to be the one who talks like a pro wrestler this time around.

The whole crew is now on a bus going down a dirt road and they’re all a little scared. This is nothing. If anyone has ever gone on a spring break trip there’s always a bus and a dirt road involved to get to your hotel. I don’t see a cooler of beer at the front and a native commandeering the walkie-talkie telling the whole bus that for a week the words girlfriend and boyfriend don’t exist, but it’s still early in the episode.

Jody, a Road Rules cast mate, just asked “Where are we and what is going on?” In case you wondered why you got a plane and are hanging with a bunch of people you saw a few months ago when the last challenge ended, you’re in Tobago for a Real World/Road Rules Challenge. How easily people forget things these days.

So the bus just got to its destination which is a barge docked to a pier. The gang seems a little confused but Beth just chimed in and let the home audience know she was calm by saying that since she’s been around she knew this barge setting was a twist. And all this time I thought the floating barge was where the cast was staying. I’m glad Beth cleared that up for me.

We just met our host, some guy named T.J. Lavin. Adam from RW Paris (who I think looks like a mix between Tiger Woods and Gary Dellabate) just said that TJ is one of the greatest dirt jumpers to ever walk the face of the earth. That’s a bold statement. The list of great dirt jumpers just rolls off the tongue. There’s, umm…and, well…and we can’t forget what’s his name…Okay, I guess we can give TJ the title. If you’re a dirt jumper, even if you suck, you’re the still one of the best since there are so few. Like a moderate politician.

Turns out the cast is hanging out on the barge because it’s their first challenge. That’s about as surprising as finding out the Spears-Federline marriage isn’t working out.

The teams are broken down into Rookies vs. Veterans. If you find yourself on the veterans team on a Real World/Road Rules Challenge you have somehow dodged a real job yet are financially secure enough to take a few weeks off to try and win some money. Please, please, tell me how it’s done.

The first challenge was just explained by the greatest dirt jumper in history and it is basically King of the Mountain and its purpose is to decide who will be the men’s and women’s captains for each team. King of the Mountain can best be summarized as the last man standing on the barge wins $1,000 and the captainship. I wonder if this is how Derek Jeter became the Yankees captain, or if they gave it to him because he has the single best life of anyone in America. He can also probably jump over more dirt than TJ Lavin.

Some quick comments as I watch these people try to shove each other off a barge. If you paint his face white and dye his hair green MJ from Real World Philadelphia could moonlight as Krusty the Klown. Apparently Aneesa from Real World Chicago gets her hair cut at the same place as Mr. T. I thought Johnny Damon was busy trying to convince some team he’s worth a seven year contract, not trying to win some extra cash on this show. My mistake, that’s Jamie from Real World New Orleans. It’s good to see Joe Millionaire is back working again. Actually it’s some guy named Adam (a different one from before). Honestly I don’t think I’d be surprised if Joe Millionaire was on this cast.

The captains have been decided and it’s on to see the house. Surprise to no one the place is pimped out to the nines. Whoever buys this place afterwards should probably have a hazmat crew give it a once over because of all the exploits that will happen in it. Cara from a Road Rules cast just said she was in Playboy as Miss November. Better make that two once overs.

There are a few couples and former couples on the show. One of the former couples is Robyn and Mark. Robyn filled us in on the fact she doesn’t want a boyfriend and is ready to have a good time. While she does look like she got hit in the back by a couple of torpedoes, for those of us who remember her Real World season I can’t think of a worse person to date, other than Ashlee Simpson, than Robyn. She gets knock-down drag-out drunk at least 3-7 times a week, is extremely violent and cries non-stop. Sounds like an ideal situation to me, if you enjoy living in your own personal Hell.

Mark (Robyn’s ex and a member of the first ever Road Rules cast) just said he’s ready for anything including the gauntlet, the challenges, and anything else. I have an idea Mark, how about a real job, or a haircut that doesn’t have a fade incorporated into it. You’ve got to be 35 years old by now. Ricky Schroeder’s dad on Silver Spoons took less time to grow up.

Here come the rules and actual point to the game. If a team loses its captain must go in the gauntlet against one of his his/her own teammates. The winner stays on as captain and the loser goes home. When it’s all said and done the winning team gets $350,000 on top of whatever cash they accumulate throughout the individual challenges. This isn’t your father’s Double Dare anymore. Speaking of which, the great Marc Summers who hosted Double Dare now has his own show on The Food Network called Unwrapped where he dissects what goes into certain foods. They don’t call me TV Steve for nothing folks.

It’s now night time and it’s Mark’s 54th birthday party so the gang is going to have a drink or 14. To no one’s surprise half of these clowns have their collars up. There is drinking and exchanging of bodily fluids going on. Sounds like a good time right? Well it is to everyone except for some girl named Jo from Real World San Francisco. She has short dark hair and has an edge to her. I’m seriously waiting for Natalie, Blair and Tootie to come running in with some problem that can only be solved by Mrs. Garrett. I just thought of a new angle these Challenges can take…House Mothers and House Fathers. How great would it be if Shannon Tweed and Gene Simmons or David Coverdale and Tawney Kitaen got to watch over the kids and show them how hard livin’ is really done?

Jo has thrown a wet blanket all over this good time and is freaking out. She just said she’s leaving the show and is threatening to call the cops. Susie from Road Rules Australia thinks Jo wants to leave because of the pressure from being team captain. I think Susie needs to wait for the hamster in her head to sign off on what she says before she starts to talk.

And with that the show came to an end…much like this week’s column.

If you’ve got something to say let me have it at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com