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Hot Properties

Written by sdettorre

For about two years now women have been clamoring for something new to come along, something to take their minds off of losing the one thing that was so dear to them that no matter what was happening in their lives they could rely on this event like clockwork to make them feel better. I think I’ve done my part with weekly observations based on loose research and an endless knowledge of inane information to help ease the pain of losing Sex and the City. However women like something dependable and rock solid that can be relied upon for knowledge, humor and advice on all things from dating, make-up and finances. I can handle the humor but I’ll leave the knowledge and advice to the ladies of Hot Properties, ABC’s attempt to make Sex and the City into something HBO never could…worth watching.

Hot Properties mirrors Sex and the City in several aspects. There are four main women on each show. Both shows are set in Manhattan. The four main characters are successful financially and are self-supportive. And the bald guy who married Charlotte in Sex and the City plays a psychiatrist on Hot Properties. However there are differences. All four women are attractive whereas all the ladies of Sex and the City were not. The Hot Properties ladies are colleagues at the same real estate firm (which is more of a setting than an actual plotline) as well as friends while the characters on Sex and the City had their own professional lives, usually which were crammed down the audience’s throat when no one really cared. To say the two shows aren’t similar is like saying there’s a product out there U2 won’t pitch. Now it’s time meet the main characters of this show no one who has any semblance of a life has ever seen because it’s on Friday night at 9:30. And yes I have seen it.

Ava:
Ava is the leader of this fearsome foursome and is played by the beautiful Gail O’Grady. She is in her 40s and runs the show at the real estate firm. While she is in her 40s she has a mid-20s wannabe actor husband who she met at an art gallery. While being the alpha female of the group one has to compare her and the leader of the Sex and the City group Carrie. Ava is more successful, much better looking, far less whiny and much more secure in her own skin, except for lying to her husband about her age. In case it’s difficult to read between the lines I’m not the biggest Sarah Jessica Parker fan. How women long to be like her is beyond me. It’s like men striving to emulate Rob Schneider.

Chloe:
Chloe is the “funny one” of the group and is played by Nicole Sullivan of Mad TV fame. While I don’t find her particularly funny the laugh track seems to think so. Apparently she’ll sleep with anyone because her self-esteem is so low. In another life she could probably be a cast member of a Real World-Road Rules challenge because the same rule applies to every one of those degenerates. Chloe seems to find herself in precarious situations. For instance she dated a guy who was into heavy girls. Chloe isn’t overweight so the guy took her out and kept feeding her so she’d put on weight. One thing had to go, either her waistline or the guy. In the best interest of the show the guy got the thumb. And that’s not a sexual reference.

Sofia:
Sofia is the sexpot of the group. I’ve never seen her before or else I’d tell you what she was from. She is voluptuous and you can always see her bare legs no matter what she’s wearing. Sofia’s main character flaw is that every guy she dates turns out to be gay. All she wants is a straight guy who dresses well, is groomed properly, loves his mother and can cook. She’d have better luck finding a stripper who is actually stripping to put herself through school. Sofia has a thick Spanish accent, however I can’t tell if it’s real or not. When she wears revealing outfits, particularly tops, her accent isn’t the only thing one can’t tell is real or not. Sofia is relatable to in one manner though, she likes to have a few drinks and drunk dial. Who can honestly say they’ve never done that before? My guess is the same amount of people who voted for Gary Coleman in the 2003 California recall.

Emerson:
Emerson is also played by someone I’ve never seen before and I think I would remember her if I did. She joined the real estate group by coincidence when she and her fiancé hired them to find a home. When Ava and Chloe saw her soon-to-be husband they realized when he shook their hands it wasn’t the only body part he’d ever touched on both of them. Normally a wife looks past running into former relationships (at least the good ones do) however Emerson’s fiancé told her he was a virgin. If a guy tells his girlfriend he’s a virgin when in fact he isn’t, he better move to a different state because without fail he will run into someone he’s slept with, most likely at the most inopportune time…like when buying a house with your future wife. Needless to say Emerson dropped the guy and went to work with the ladies selling real estate, further solidifying them as realtors who could sell ice to an Eskimo. Men, being the mature, non-superficial, and sound decision-makers that we are would never buy something we shouldn’t just because a beautiful woman (or four) suggested we do so. Right fellas?

If you’re home on a Friday night and find yourself watching Hot Properties, don’t get too down on yourself and give it a chance. However if the time comes when your friends ask you to meet up for happy hour or to grab some drinks and hit the town on a Friday night and you turn them down so you can stay in and watch Hot Properties, slowly get up, look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself one simple question… “If I stop wearing my collar up, will more people like me?”

If you’d like to comment email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com