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Hotline

Written by sdettorre

Over the past few months I’ve received a few requests for the topic of a future column. I’ve also received a tremendous amount of positive feedback from my running dialogue column of a few weeks ago on Laguna Beach. It worked for Almond Joy with coconut and chocolate, meat eaters with surf and turf and gin with tonic, so why not combine two fan favorites into one and make everyone happy with a running dialogue on a Cinemax After Dark show? I should say that if you are easily offended and think this type of show isn’t for you then don’t read on and go back to manning the AV club or watching the 700 Club because nothing obscene or far-fetched is ever said by the leader of that program.

The episode of Hotline, a recurring Cinemax After Dark feature, I’ll be reviewing is entitled The Gardener and is headlined by Tanya Roberts, also known as Donna’s mom on That 70s Show. This looks promising. The opening scene for Hotline is a montage of prior episodes, like when 24 shows you what Jack Bauer did in the last couple episodes. There is one major difference between Hotline and 24 though. I don’t think 24 ever shows a girl-on-girl tryst involving a feather boa, a couple engaged in S&M or a guy pouring honey all over some woman while Jack Bauer tries to save the day.

The show is starting now and it leads in with Tanya Roberts as a DJ for a late night sex call-in show called Hotline. It looks like Tanya Roberts is nothing but a narrator. Needless to say I’m a little disappointed. A woman named Samantha just called in and says she’s awake at 3 am not because of a what but because of who is coming over. I know before my girlfriend comes over I like to call sex shows and let a bunch of undersexed listeners in on our stories. The woman just said she hopes her mom isn’t listening. Like some woman’s mom is listening to a sex call-in show at 3 am on Tuesday hoping to hear her pride and joy call in. By the way, I hope my mom isn’t reading my column this week, she thinks I’m at Bible Study (which is a bad excuse to tell your parents where you are when you’re Jewish).

The first scene of Samantha’s story shows her lying naked in her backyard and the guy who I presume is the gardener getting on a motorcycle. Let me describe these two for the home audience. Samantha is a tall, dark-haired, pale-skinned woman with a nice enough body. She reminds me of a cross between Lara Flynn Boyle and the girl that was in Saved By The Bell The New Class and later went on to be one of the college girls listening in to the Joe Dirt’s heartwarming tale. The gardener looks like a guy (who really cares, right). Samantha just put sun tan lotion all over herself, including her naked chest. I’ve seen pizza dough get less attention.

The gardener just showed up at Samantha’s house for the interview and we find out his name is Jam. Samantha is now fully dressed and eying Jam up like a stoner looks at a bag of Cheetos. Samantha described the job as a built-in security guard who can do some occasional gardening around the house. Based on the opening scene with Samantha lying naked in her backyard, she definitely needs her hedges trimmed. To no one’s surprise, Marmalade got the job.

In the following scene Samantha asked her husband if he is still going to Houston as planned. He’s probably asking himself if Samantha is going to sleep with the gardener as she is planning to do. There’s about as much love between Mr. & Mrs. Samantha as there is between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. However it is good to see the director getting rid of unnecessary cast by sending the husband to Houston. It was a good formula for the parents in Laguna Beach and Marissa’s sister on The OC and I see it working out for Hotline.

It’s now nighttime and Apple Butter is reading in his guest quarters when he hears a splash and goes to check it out. Fortunately it wasn’t the Loch Ness Monster but Samantha jumping in the pool naked. Marco…Polo. Samantha just said she likes to swim when her husband is out of town to work off the extra energy. I guess she speaks a new language where swim means have sex with random handy men. Nothing happened between the two. What kind of After Dark is this, we’re 10 minutes in and no horizontal dancing going on yet.

It’s now the next day and Samantha made dinner for Marshmallow Fluff. She just asked him if he had room for dessert as she took her shawl off her shoulders. If you listen closely you hear Little Jam just hit his head on the bottom of the table. Samantha just went into the kitchen to get dessert. I’m hoping she comes out wearing a whipped cream bikini. She didn’t and Grape Jelly went home by the time she came out.

Samantha didn’t like getting snubbed and followed Peanut Butter to his quarters. They’re now staring at each other. They’re now doing more than stare at each other. Samantha could use some Nair under her arms. She’d also be a great contestant on one of those bull-riding machines. Or so it seems.

It is now the following morning and Samantha is giving Smuckers the cold shoulder for no apparent reason and left for town. It’s dark by the time she gets back. I guess she had some time to reconsider her ignorance during the day because it’s now time for round two. This time instead of the guest quarters it’s in a greenhouse, which is appropriate because of all the planting going on.

Samantha’s husband arrived home the next morning and told Preservatives Samantha said he was doing a good job…which is surprising because all of the grass is dead and the house was robbed 3 times.

This appears to be the climactic ending. It seems that Samantha and her husband had trouble procreating and the whole job was a cover to get Jam’s jelly so Samantha and her husband would have an heir. Well Jam handled it like any normal guy who found out he was being used for stud by a woman he fell in love with in 3-4 days, he left town…with Samantha.

Who says the great love stories aren’t told anymore?

If you’d like to comment on this column write me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com