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PLEASE! DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THE GIRLS HAVE A FAN MAIL THAT YOU CAN WRITE TO, NOT MYSPACE OR BEBO, BUT ...
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The Girls Next Door

Written by sdettorre

Neighbors play an important role in both life and on television. Every TV show has a crazy neighbor. Three’s Company had the Ropers, Home Improvement had Wilson, The Simpsons have the Flanders, Seinfeld had Kramer and so on. Growing up you have the neighbors your parents would trust leaving you with if they had to run out and you had a group of kids you played with after school. You also probably had that one neighbor your parents told you to never go near, you know the one who walked under an umbrella when the sun was out, had a pet llama and was always getting arrested for supplying Jesus Juice to neighborhood kids. But never, and I mean never, has anyone ever had neighbors like the ones featured in The E! Channel’s new show The Girls Next Door.

The Girls Next Door follows around the three girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. All three live in the Playboy Mansion but none have posed in the magazine, yet. There used to be seven girlfriends of Hef but he downsized to three. I guess when the dot.com boom bottomed out it bottomed out for everyone. Two questions here. 1-what are those four girls doing these days? No one lives in the same house as an ex unless you’re on the Real World. 2-How does Hef dump a girlfriend? Is it like getting cut for an athletic team? Sorry Amber you weren’t Mansion material but stick with it and someday you’ll make a 3rd string Canadian Football League player very happy.

The Playboy Mansion has a little bit of everything in it. There are animals from flamingos to rabbits to dogs living there. There is a full staff that is reminiscent of a five star hotel. They have ‘round the clock chefs so if you wanted pork chops at 3 in the morning you could have them. There are trampolines all over the place. But if you were a man in your 70s and had a house full of incredibly beautiful women what would be the first thing you’d buy (Well second after a year’s supply of Viagra)? There’s an amazing pool in the backyard where the infamous grotto is located. Normally I’m not a big fan of hot tubs, Jacuzzis and community disease-traps of that ilk, but I think I’d make an exception for the grotto. If Pauly Shore and Bill Maher can get laid in the grotto anything is possible. Enough about the Mansion, let’s meet the girls.

Holly
Holly is a beautiful blonde from Alaska. She claims she is Hef’s number one girlfriend. If she ever loses her status as number one girlfriend does she get the chance to fight the new number one to regain her title in a pillow fight/oil wrestling match or is she phased out of the Mansion eventually leading to Hef changing the locks in the house? Holly has been dating Hef for three and half years. She spends the night in Hef’s room and seems pretty possessive of her man. Hef gave her a parking space in the Mansion but it looks like the sign is made from paper. It’s probably easier to remove than steel when Hef has to have to have a new sign put in the next girl. Nothing like a paper sign to show commitment, Hef. Paper sign aside, Holly said that being with Hef and living in the mansion are for her and that this is where she wants to stay for ever. Well Hef might one day look like George Burns but you can be sure that his girlfriends will always look like Holly, even when Holly doesn’t. Holly also said she wants Hef to get rid of his other two girlfriends and focus completely on her. There’s a better chance of me moving back to Boston. And that isn’t happening unless I get drafted by the Patriots (I’m 155 lbs soaking wet and they already have a kicker).

Bridget
Bridget is Hef’s second girlfriend. She is from California and has been dating Hef for three years, only 6 months less than Holly. Bridget said that she and Holly are best friends. Really, even though they share a penis? Most girls I know that either share a guy or fight over him hate each other. Imagine what Dylan could have done if he had Hef’s charm (or constant stream of money coming out of his pores). Brenda and Kelly would have never hated each other, Dean Caine would have never guest starred as Rick the UCLA student and Dylan would have someone to brood with and someone to do drugs with. Bridget has both her BA and Masters in Communications. She said she wanted to be a teacher but decided being Hef’s girlfriend would be more fun. Bless you Bridget, bless you. If only Ms. Clemmer (my 9th grade homeroom teacher) would have felt the same about a young witty TV columnist who also likes the feel of silk robes as dinner attire. Bridget said that most people think of two words when they see Hef’s girlfriends…bimbo and slut. I can think of two others that are more fitting…mental rolodex.

Kendra
Kendra is girlfriend number three. Hef met her when she was waitressing a cocktail party at the Mansion. Granted her clothes were of the painted on variety but she was a cocktail waitress nonetheless. Kendra has been dating Hef for a year. Some lady named Jenny interviewed about how Hef and Kendra met and under her name it said Mansion Staff. How does Hef go about finding his staff? Does he put an ad on Monster or maybe a little blurb at the end of Night Calls? Holly thinks Kendra is a bit of a tomboy because she likes to play sports. E! then showed Kendra shooting hoops. She is the extremely sexy bleached blonde version of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s character in Along Came Polly in terms of basketball skills. I think the tomboy label might be a little premature. I prefer Sex Kitten.

The main event for the evening was a gala sponsored by the American Film Insititute honoring George Lucas. Holly got her hair done like Princess Leia because she said growing up she was a huge Star Wars fan and still is. I was at the premiere for the most recent Star Wars movie and let me tell you, there weren’t too many Holly’s running around there. Unless they were being chased by dorks in storm trooper outfits. Before the party Hef gathered all his dates (the three girlfriend and three other dates) in a Bunny Boardroom. What else goes on in this boardroom with the Bunnies-scientific research, political strategy, or just a lot of naked Twister? Left hand, red. Hef was donning a classic tux. The man owns two kinds of outfits, tuxes and silk pajamas, but I bet he’s got an old pair of sweatpants lying around there somewhere.

What man living in a house surrounded by beautiful women who cater to his every need wouldn’t?

If you would like to comment on this column, email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com