How Can I Advertise on HillZoo?

HillZoo Classifieds

Recent Reader Contributions

Your Uncle Bert spoke about (Hallo-whore-ween)
Nothing beats young ladies whoring it up on Halloween. I buy ‘em beers and cosmos, whatever they want, year after year. ...
Sarah spoke about (The Girls Next Door)
Kendra is the only good looking one… the other two are hideous… one is kinda chunky and looks like someones mom ...
whatev spoke about (The Girls Next Door)
PLEASE! DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THE GIRLS HAVE A FAN MAIL THAT YOU CAN WRITE TO, NOT MYSPACE OR BEBO, BUT ...
bosley spoke about (Hallo-whore-ween)
Just because your fat and ugly doesnt mean you should try and ruin everybody elses halloween fun. Let people dress as ...

Feature Archives

He Said, She Said Movie Reviews

Community

Useful Links

How Can I Advertise on HillZoo?

Privacy, Copyrights, Disclaimers & Other Policies

Hogan Knows Best

Written by sdettorre

As a kid I had a few role models who I looked up to and tried to emulate. Eddie Murray, Walter Payton and Rocky were a few of them. But one figure who I copied more than others was the man who beat up Rocky in Rocky III while dressed in powder blue tights, surrounded by beautiful women, and who went by the name Thunderlips. This is the same man who inspired me to say my prayers, eat my vitamins, be a real American while fighting for the rights of every man, and wear red and yellow boas while tearing my shirt off from the back. 20 years ago Hulk Hogan knew best, and now thanks to Vh1, he can show that he still does.

Hogan Knows Best is Vh1’s version of The Osbournes, except instead of a family of four led by an old, drugged out rocker, this one is led by an old, drugged out (a different kind mind you, but I bet both men have had their fair share of needles in their arms) wrestler. Don’t confuse these Hogans with the Hogan family of the late 80s starring Jason Bateman, Sandy Duncan and Jack McKay before he faked his own death leading Dylan to become a heroin addict. The Hogans are made up of Hulk, his wife Linda, his 16-year-old daughter Brook and his 14-year-old son Nick. They live in an enormous house somewhere warm and have two dogs and at least one cat. The show’s bread is buttered by Hulk’s parenting skills, especially with the over protectiveness of his daughter and the way he turns a blind eye to his son’s mischief.

In one episode a 22-year-old college guy asked Brook out. Hulk was a little wary of this guy because he was 22 and his daughter is 16. This is a valid concern and one I would have too if my daughter were in the same situation. However, Hulk doesn’t even flinch at the fact that the way the guy met Brook was by hanging out with Nick. So this 22-year-old befriends 14-year-olds to get to their 16-year-old sisters. If the sexes were reversed this guy could have a job working the door at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch. So Hulk is concerned that his little girl might be going into something she is too young for, but he decided to let her go out with Roman Polanski anyway. The one caveat to the date was that he had a sit-down with R. Kelly before the date. Before his little chit-chat with Jerry Lee Lewis, Hulk had bugged his daughter’s car with a tracking device so he could monitor where they were going from his home computer. Hulkster 1, Kobe Bryant 0.

So Hulk sits this guy down and asked him a few questions. If it were me being grilled by a guy who could use me as a toothpick I’d be terrified and on my best behavior. Not our friend Chach-bag. The first thing Hulk told him was that when he was 22 the last thing on his mind was 16-year-old girls. While I agree with my childhood hero that 22-year-old guys shouldn’t date 16-year-old girls, to be fair when Hulk was 22 he was probably having three-somes with WWF groupies and having Mean Gene and Gorilla Monsoon fight over his run-off. Then Hulk started asking this guy about his sex life and if he’s sexually active. The guy tells him he was 19 when he lost his virginity but he was sexually active. Not the first thing I’d tell a date’s parents. He then told Hulk that he didn’t want to have sex with Brook. Hulk, without missing a beat, asked him why not and if he thought there was something wrong with his daughter. Tough position for this guy but he did put himself in it. As a whole this guy was cocky, arrogant and disrespectful to the father of a girl he was going to take out. A guy shouldn’t act that way towards any girl’s father, let alone one who can get hit across the head with a chair and have it make him stronger. Basically the Hulkster didn’t trust this guy and even though nothing happened on the date he wouldn’t let Brook go out with him again. I should note that while he wants his daughter to be pure and chaste, he tells her all of this while wearing a T-shirt that says, “It’s not a bald spot, it’s a solar panel for a sex machine”. Just slightly hypocritical.

As over protective as Hulk is with Brook he is the complete opposite with Nick, who is only 14. Nick has a girlfriend named Ashley who he spends all of his time with. Before the girl came around Hulk and Nick were buddies and did a lot of father-son activities. But that was before Ashley. Nick backed out on hanging with Hulk to spend time with Ashley. So Hulk did what any dad would do when he realized his son was maturing—he went to the range and fired off several guns, including something that the Libyans used to fire at Doc Brown in Back to the Future.

Eventually Hulk got Nick to hang out with him by taking him to some kind of car show. One quick observation here—Hulk won’t let his 16-year-old daughter date but he has no problem letting his 14-year-old son drive a car. Sweet double standards. At this car show, where Nick’s girlfriend showed up, Hulk convinced a model that Nick was enamored with to sweet talk him a little so Ashley would get jealous. The model asked Nick to fix her car, which made Ashley mad, and she stormed off. Hulk then asked Nick what he was doing with Ashley when there was a nice piece of prime rib waiting for him in the model. That’s a good way for a father to show his son that women aren’t objects. Although I wish that when I was 14 my dad set me up with sure thing models that laid across the hood of a roadster for a career. But no, he was too busy getting me to do my homework, taking me to and from soccer practice and letting me watch as much TV as I wanted (for which I will always be grateful).

Hogan Knows Best is a good show in the mold of The Osbournes, Growing Up Gotti and Being Bobby Brown. It allows you to see that the Hogans are a normal family except that the dad is 6’5” and 300 lbs and held the WWF championship when it meant something. For those of you who don’t watch yet, then tune in to Vh1 at 9:30 on Sunday night. And if you don’t, then what ‘cha gonna do when 40,000 TV Steve-iacs and the Nielsen ratings run wild on you?