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Break Up Etiquette 101

Written by lizziek

I had to break up with a really nice guy last week. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a long time. It finally sunk in as to why men would rather walk through hot coals, sever their own arm or go clothes shopping with their mother (does that feel okay in the crotch, sugar?) rather than beak up with a woman.

This guy was really sweet. He was great with calling when he said he would. He was a good kisser and really attentive to what was going on in my life. That’s what made the break up so hard. It’s easy to break up with someone if he or she is a complete creep or has a major character flaw like abusing heavy narcotics.

So if this guy was so nice, you are probable wondering what the problem was. In my case, this particular dude neglected to mention his age until the 5th date (let’s just say there was a significant difference- he must have damn good genes in his family). I also could tell he was more into me than I was into him. For example, he offered to drive me to the airport. In my book, offering to drive the person you’re dating to the airport (especially at 5:30 am) is pretty darn close to just coming right out and saying “I love you and want you to have my children”. I just wasn’t ready for that level of commitment. It was time for the “define the relationship” talk, to be referred to from this point on as the DTR.

The DTR is inevitable in every relationship, although many of us try extremely hard to avoid it. The only way you can bypass the DTR is if the relationship is less than a week old. If that’s the case, it’s acceptable to just stop calling, cut the e-mails and let bygones be bygones. However, if the relationship is more than a week old and there’s been a significant level of canoodling, the DTR is mandatory. Best case scenario, you wind up both calling each other “shmoopy” and start telling your friends that you can’t meet up on Sunday because you’re having omelets and mimosas with your new boyfriend/ girlfriend. The worst case scenario is what I had to go through last week – an excruciating explanation of why you don’t want to see him or her anymore.

Having been on both sides of this scenario recently, I’ve come up with a few suggestions for proper break up etiquette. First of all, if you are the person being dumped, your first response may be to take this as being rejected. Hard is it may be, try not to feel like you did in junior high when no one asked you to the 8th grade Valentine’s Dance. Keep in mind that there is no formula for getting the chemistry right in a relationship. Even if everything looks perfect on the surface, it may still not work. That’s not anyone’s fault – it’s circumstance.

In addition, when you hear the words “we have to talk” or “I need to be honest with you”, be gracious. During the DTR, do not try to have a play by play of every aspect of the relationship and where it went wrong. Likewise, do not ask questions that you do not want to hear the answer to. Freely accept the excuse for ending the relationship that you are given by the party doing the dumping. Trust me, “work is really busy right now” or “I’m not ready for a relationship” is much better than hearing “you’re way too needy, lack confidence and I hate your choice of footwear”.

Likewise, if you are the dumper, rather than the dumpee, there are also a few things to keep in mind for a civil break up. First of all, you can not attempt to break up with messy and really bad karma. In addition, it is never appropriate to break up with someone over e-mail (although I’m sure quite a few of you have done it). Nut up and either get on the phone or arrange to meet your soon-to-be-history honey. Whether you choose to have the DTR in person or over the phone really just depends on the mental stability of the other party involved. Keep this in mind. No one wants to see a dude cry or some chick throw a cosmopolitan on your Burberry shirt.

Although you can’t change that DTRs are a fact of life, we can make the process a little smoother by controlling how we handle ourselves. And if that doesn’t work, just get yourself a stiff drink and a pint of mocha almond chip.