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The Pick-Up Artist

Written by sdettorre

I really don’t know how some shows get past the pitch, let alone on TV. Most of these shows are reality in nature and end up on one of 4 channels: VH1, MTV, E!, or Bravo. Granted I do like some of these reality shows, namely any Real World/Road Rules Challenge and Rock of Love. But most of the programming on these channels is terrible. Next, Real Housewives, the reality show about a gym, etc are a terrible waste of time.

There are much more important things that can be done while those shows are on, like taking nap, staring at the treadmill in your basement and wondering why it’s so dusty, swearing at Brett Favre for throwing 6 touchdown passes on your fantasy bench, or trying to get past the damn helicopter mission on Grand Theft Auto IV while your wife watches you and wonders how she ended up with a 12 year old in the body of a guy in his 30s.

However I will occasionally watch one of the horrible shows on one of these networks, mostly at the suggestion of my wife for whom reality TV was invented. Today’s show du jour is The Pick-Up Artist on Vh1. Much like when Cream of Broccoli is the soup du jour, this special isn’t at all appetizing and I’d rather just have some Progresso.

The Pick-UP Artist focuses on a group of nine male contestants who are the TV equivalent of pre-Cindy Mancini Ronald Miller. Since they don’t have Ronald Miller-type cash to buy replacement outfits for girl’s they like who spilled red wine on their mother’s dress, these fellas pled their case to the casting directors at Vh1 for a spot on The Pick-Up Artist. Personally I would rather be an extra in the original Pick-Up Artist than a contestant on this show. Reason #1 is because I’m married and I don’t think Mrs. TV Steve would take too kindly to me trying to pick-up women on national television, and #2 is that hanging with Robert Downey and 1987 Molly Ringwald is more ideal than wasting time with the clowns on this show who purport to be masters in the art of seduction.

The head chief of seduction is a guy named Mystery. I get it, girls like mysterious guys so why not name yourself Mystery. That makes sense on some level. When I was single I should have gone around calling myself The Notebook because that’s what I thought girls liked. Mystery is a dude, although I use that term loosely, who has his chin pierced, dons a top hat, keeps a pair of doggles around his neck, and wears makeup. I know all the single ladies out there want a guy who looks like the Joker from a deck of cards and wears more nail polish than they do. There are only a few guys can pull off wearing make-up and be what the great Sam Malone called babe-hounds. Mystery shouldn’t be one of them. Taking advice from him on picking-up women has to be the equivalent of taking stock advice from this guy.

Like any good pick-up artist Mystery has a couple of wingmen. One is a guy named Matador. Now it all makes sense as to why my friends and I struck out with the ladies from time to time as bachelors. It is clearly because we didn’t incorporate foreign sports professions no American watches into our names. No girl in her right mind would laugh at a few guys named Cricket, Jai Alai and Soccer. His other wingman is a lady named Tara. Tara is a decent looking blonde who wears short skirts so I can’t say anything too bad about her. And being friends with a hot chick always makes a dude look better to a room full of girls. Since girls care much more about what other girls think, if a guy is out with a good looking girl the other girls will think there must be something about the guy to warrant a relationship on some level with a beauty. Or so I’ve been told. Take that Mystery.

The episode I unfortunately watched had Mystery teach the contestants a lesson on how to talk to girls. His basic premise was if you lead with an obvious statement like “you’re pretty”, “you have a nice smile”, or “you sure are drinking a lot, you must be suppressing some insecurities” the girl will ignore you. Rather, Mystery suggested a young man seeking the company of a single lady should approach her with a non-direct statement, like “did you see the game”, “who lies more, men or women” or after you dip your finger in your drink and tap her shoulder say “why don’t we go home and get you out of those wet clothes”.

Mystery went on to take a shining to one of the contestants and saw some promise in him. As a result he gave him an object that helped Mystery with the ladies over the years and he hoped would be of use to him when they went to a club later. The object wasn’t a stack of $100s, keys to a Ferrari or a smoothie (all things girls like) but rather a black boa. Not a snake but the kind women wear. He might as well have given him a tampon and a wonder bra while he was at it. It’s probably not a great idea to use something to pick up women that they may have in their closet. Now if I were giving this guy a secret weapon, as Mystery called it, I’d give him my Batman mask . With Halloween coming up it would be a great time to use it and it never failed me. The only catch is it has to be worn to a Halloween party. It doesn’t work so well on a Thursday in May.

As the show goes on the three musketeers (Mystery, Matador and Tara) sit in a confined area and watch on hidden cameras the contestants try to incorporate what they learned to try to pick up girls. This show’s premise reminds me a little of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry teaches George “The Move” and George writes it down on his hand so he doesn’t forget it. Jerry probably had one of the best intros ever when he approached women. All he had to say was “Hello, I’m Jerry Seinfeld”. By the end of the night Mystery picks a guy he thinks was the best at meeting women and they are deemed that day’s winner. Too bad the show didn’t play out like this:

Mystery: “And the winner of tonight’s challenge is…wait a minute, one of you is missing.”
Contestant: “Yeah Todd left with some girl.”
Mystery: “I guess Todd is the winner then…where’s Tara?”
Contestant: “That’s who Todd left with. She said she was tired of hanging out with guys named after wrestlers who spent more money at MAC than she did.”

Like almost all reality shows, this one ends with an elimination ceremony. The person who is deemed the loser of the show is sent home. In reality this person is the winner because he can go home and forget all the crap Mystery taught him about women and learn from a true pick-up artist, someone who knows a thing or two about dating and the life of a single guy.

And the only make-up he wears can double as a breakfast condiment .

televisionsteve@yahoo.com