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Two and a Half Men

Written by sdettorre

It takes a big person to admit when they’ve made a mistake. Politicians rarely do it unless they get caught in which case they can’t make amends fast enough. Umpires never admit they were wrong even if video footage proves otherwise. But since I’m not running for office or doing my best Enrico Palazzo impersonation, I can freely admit I was wrong on a TV show I ridiculed in the past. I have seen the light and can safely say that Two and a Half Men is one of the best shows on television.

Two and a Half Men, which airs on CBS at 9:00 every Monday night and in syndication on weeknights, is a half hour sitcom which focuses on the sibling rivalry of the Harper brothers, Alan and Charlie. They live in Malibu, CA in Charlie’s beach house. On weekends Alan’s son Jake (the half in Two and a Half Men) lives with them. The show must take place primarily on weekends because Jake is featured in every episode. Some other characters include Berta, the Harpers’ strong-willed caustic housekeeper; Rose, the former one-night stand of Charlie’s who in turn stalked him but always in a pretty non-threatening manner; and Evelyn, Charlie and Alan’s narcissistic mother who is the driving reason behind her sons’ many character flaws and therapy sessions. Since football season is coming up, I’m going to harness my inner John Madden and break down the characters of the show.

Alan Harper
Alan Harper is played by Jon Cryer, who is best known to the masses as Andie’s dorky friend Duckie in Pretty in Pink. Sadly his onscreen persona hasn’t changed much in 20 years. Alan is a neurotic, down on his luck, two-time divorcee who is saddled with alimony payments that his job as a chiropractor can’t sustain. He lives with his brother because his first ex-wife threw him out of the house. One of his alimony payments was terminated when said first ex-wife got re-married to Ryan Stiles. Among some of Alan’s many flaws, one he seems to have is having no problem taking his brother’s ex-girlfriends as his own. While brothers don’t shake hands, brothers hug…brothers do not share women. Alan’s second marriage was to a woman he met after his brother broke up with her. In Alan’s defense she was 22 years old nymphomaniac. Given Alan’s neurosis it’s hard to believe he’d even think about traveling down the same road as Charlie given his brother’s penchant for unprotected random sex with strangers. Following Charlie is like licking a movie theater floor after a sold-out showing, only worse and more dangerous for your health.

Berta
Berta is the law of the land that keeps the Harper boys on the straight and narrow. While Charlie’s house is in Malibu, Berta takes the bus to and from work every day. She lives on the other side of the tracks so to say, exemplified by her proximity to a meth lab that exploded in one episode, which resulted in Charlie needing a new pair of pants. Berta has some of the best one-liners on the show, usually directed in some sarcastic manner at Alan or Alan, and sometimes Alan. Or has she refers to him, Zippy. She’s always quick to hit on a new visitor to the house, whether that’s Robert Wagner, Martin Sheen or one of Charlie’s 20-something dalliances. Any way you slice it, it’s usually Berta’s way or the highway .

Rose
Rose is the result of what happens when Charlie’s charm meets his inability to continue a relationship with one of his conquests. In a one-night stand that occurred before the show began, Charlie and Rose shared an evening together. Little did Charlie know that Rose lived in a house down the street from him. As a result, she gave herself permission to come and go as she pleased. And much like a prison shower, usually using the back porch for entry. Rose’s most defining feature, aside from her clear mental issues regarding Charlie, is her wardrobe. Her outfits make the Olsen Twins look like runway models. Charlie never gave in to Rose’s pleas for a relationship, or another roll in the hay, and eventually she packed up her bags and left for England to help her family out, leaving Charlie with a large void in his life and sounder night’s sleep knowing the chances of being rudely awakened were significantly diminished.

Jake Harper
Jake is Alan’s adolescent son who stays with his dad on weekends. He is a blank slate who is influenced by his uncle in many ways most parents don’t approve of. He is a quick learner in the ways of making a bet on a football game, how to win at poker, and that the best way to get a girl to notice you is by ignoring her. However he isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer when it comes to the academic side of life. He is the definition of an impressionable adolescent. But like most child actors cast in long-running sitcoms, Jake was a cute kid at the inception of the show and over time the cuteness wore off and now he’s a punk teenager. The writers have done a good job in adapting to his maturation by making Charlie’s once mentoring role in Jake’s life into more of an antagonistic one. It has gotten to the point where Charlie was with Jake in a video store and Jake said to the lady Charlie picked up that he didn’t want to hang out with her son just so Charlie could have sex with the mom. Hopefully the writers don’t try to introduce a new kid to the mix like many shows have done in the past when the youngest child got too old to be the cute kid. Growing Pains and Family Ties come to mind. Assuming the show lasts a few more seasons it should only be a matter of time before Jake and Charlie are fighting over the same women.

Evelyn Harper
The matriarch of the Harper family is Evelyn, played by Holland Taylor. Evelyn is a selfish, self-centered, 4-5 time widow and constant gold digger. Her priority is herself and no one else. She might have the best one-liners on the show. The manner in which she raised her kids made them the men they became, for better or worse, and Alan and Charlie are not shy about pointing out their mother’s flaws. Evelyn is a high-end real estate agent who uses sex, money, and death to help her make a sale. She will do anything to reach her goal, regardless of who gets in the way. It’s a wonder she’s not running for office.

Charlie Harper
Charlie, played by Charlie Sheen, is far and away the best character on the show. He is the guy who many guys want to be whereas Alan is the man most guys become. Charlie Harper is basically the same person as Charlie Sheen, including the penchant for “working girls”. Charlie is a drunken womanizer who made a load of money writing commercial jingles. He has no day to day responsibilities other than recovering from a hang-over, cashing royalty checks and wondering why it burns when he goes to the bathroom. Charlie is a great uncle but would be a terrible dad, and it’s a miracle he isn’t given his favorite sport is riding bareback . Charlie’s womanizing and drinking gets him into a lot trouble. These issues range from sleeping with a married woman, being drugged by a cult, relieving himself in the neighbor’s doghouse, and getting beat up by Steven Tyler, among many, many other examples. However Charlie is the glue of the show and if he were to ever clean up his act, the show would change completely and would become a 2000s version of Perfect Strangers, and we all forget how that show ended.

Two and a Half Men is one of the top shows on TV, comedy or otherwise. It may have taken 5 years for me to come around on the show, which is proof positive that syndication is beneficial for everyone, but 5 years late is better than not at all. Otherwise I’d be subjected to watching this guy at 7pm on weeknights. Having Evelyn Harper as a mother might be less scarring.

If you’d like to comment, email me at televisionsteve@yahoo.com