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I Love Money

Written by sdettorre

Like another 30+ year old who made his return this week, I decided to return to writing a somewhat regular column about the world of television, except unlike Brett Favre’s return, I didn’t send text messages to ESPN reporters or make an entire country view me as the most annoying non-story since HBO started advertising for the return of Entourage.

Over a year has gone by since I last contributed anything to this site. That doesn’t mean I threw away my TV nor decided to take up reading at home. It was a combination of several things that I won’t get into at this time, nor do most care but the important thing is I still watch TV, a lot of it, and I know you do too.

My most real-world experience with TV stars and celebrities happened a few months ago at the White House Correspondents Party in Washington. At the party I had a brush with a TV star who’s about as popular as anyone these days, and she better enjoy it because her 15 minutes are at about 11:30. Moments left as a celebrity aside, Lauren Conrad (or LC to her friends) is a very nice girl and I can’t stress this enough, very easy on the eyes. My wife and I met Ashley Simpson and her husband, who I like to call the modern day version of Tattoo from Fantasy Island without the talent or white tuxedo.

The past year I’ve stuck with the same shows that I usually watched. Most notably the Office, Heroes, Family Guy and The Wire. I’ve picked up some new favorites as well. Pushing Daisies was surprisingly entertaining seeing how it was on ABC and had little fanfare. I also started watching Two and a Half Men in syndication. I never watched the program on Mondays before, mostly because it was on after Everyone Loves Raymond, which I thought should have been Almost Everyone Loves Raymond.

Vh1 continued to show it has absolutely zero concern about artistic integrity when it aired Rock of Love II. I’m not judging because I never missed an episode, but let’s be honest Vh1, that show isn’t winning any wards other than the best place for old strippers to retire to. I don’t really buy Bret Michaels as a rock star either. If this was 1988 sure, but it’s 2008. Part of the show’s premise is can the girl handle his rock star lifestyle. Does the label rock star apply to someone who hasn’t sold an album in over 15 years or if some of the girls were 6 when Every Rose Has Its Thorn was released. I’m sure at some point Dane Cook was funny but that doesn’t mean he’s a comedian today. Actually that might be a bad example, Dane Cook has always sucked .

While Poison never inspired any spin-off bands, or successful ones anyway, Rock of Love, Flavor of Love and I love New York have inspired a spin-off show on Vh1 called I Love Money which is similar to The Real/World/Road Rules Challenge on MTV in that it employs former cast members from the network’s shows who compete in physical and mental challenges until there is a winner. In this case the winner gets $250,000.

The cast is broken down into 2 teams, Gold and Green. After the challenge the losing team has 15 minutes to pick 3 teammates to put their names into a box and who are eligible to be kicked off the show. The winning team’s captain, known as the Pay Master, picks which one of the three goes home. The three contestants get to go on an outing to some luxury spot in Mexico with the Pay Master to beg to let them stay. That evening the Pay Master saves two people and sends someone home. To date the Gold Team is going through the Green Team like tap water through a tourist in Mexico.

Week in and week out the Gold Team destroys the Green Team, probably because the Green Team is led by a group of young men who call themselves the Stallionaires. The Stallionaires consist of three cast members from I Love New York, Real, Chance and White Boy. Chance and Real claim to be brothers and White Boy is a combination of Snow , Everlast and Seth Green’s character from Can’t Hardly Wait. I wish when we were young and stupid my brother and I came up with a nickname for us. Since we’re Italian maybe the Italianaires would have gotten us on a tawdry reality show where we maybe we’d win some money, maybe we’d catch a venereal disease, or maybe both.

I like how the cast of Flavor of Love and I Love New York all have a nickname. I wonder what my name would have been if I was a contestant on I Love New York. Here are some possibilities that would be fitting and descriptive enough to differentiate myself from the rest of the suitors… College Educated, Chewbaca, or Won’t Touch New York with a 10 Foot Pole would all be sufficient.

Sadly, Chance was eliminated recently. I say sadly not because he’s a likeable person in anyway but more so because he made for good television. The other members of the Green Team are veterans from Rock of Love, Megan and Brandi C. At an elimination ceremony in which she got into an argument with Mr. Boston, Brandi C said at least she got to have sex with hot guys who were well endowed (she used different verbiage) in response to Mr. Boston calling her a porn star. Her father must have slid one into the chamber after hearing that one. The Gold Team is made up of Heather, Pumkin (notice the missing “p” in her name, it’s not a typo), Hoopz, Toastee, 12 Pack, and The Entertainer. I can’t tell if The Entertainer is truly insane or if just acts that way to be on television, you know, like Keith Olbermann.

I Love Money combines several of the best qualities of other reality TV shows. It has the tropical setting of Survivor, the elimination ceremony of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, a host who wants absolutely nothing to do with the cast of every other reality show ever made, the deceit and backstabbing of Big Brother and the need to send in the Haz-Mat after the cast leaves of Temptation Island. Could you imagine booking a room in some villa in Mexico only to flip on the TV, see this show is being filmed there and The Entertainer and Destiney are rolling around in the bed you’re supposed to stay in? After I touch an escalator railing I need hand sanitizer, so there is no way I’d crawl into one of those beds post-filming. Actually there is one way

It feels good to be back.

If you want to drop me a line, email televisionsteve@yahoo.com