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TV Weddings

Written by sdettorre

With summer starting last week we have turned the corner from spring and are staring down the barrel of one of America’s most time-honored enterprises—the wedding season. I have been to two already this year and have three more to go. For you young kids out there reading this and think friends’ weddings are far off, well guess again. They sneak up on you like bad reality show and before you know it you’re 28 years old and wondering which of your friends will have kids first. But since this is a column on TV and not on how to acquire the nickname ‘Wedding Linebacker’, I am going to list my top 5 TV weddings, or episodes surrounding a wedding.

Without further ado and in no particular order…

5. Mike Seaver’s intended nuptials with Julie Costello on Growing Pains.

For those of us old enough to remember the mid to late 80s smash hit Growing Pains will remember this episode as the one that that gave the cocky Mike Seaver something to finally be upset about other than the fact he was a guy with a perm. Regardless, Mike was supposed to marry Julie, the starry-eyed blonde who he met when she showed up at Casa de Seaver to baby-sit for the new addition to the clan, Chrissy. Unfortunately, this babysitter romance didn’t turn out in the same storybook manner as that of Joe Piscopo who dropped his wife for a 20 year old. Sure Mike and Julie had some good times together and thought they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. But on the day of the wedding Julie got cold feet and left Mike at the altar. Maybe she got cold feet because she realized she was about to marry Jesus Freak Kirk Cameron and he would never condone her posing in Playboy earlier that year; which is the real reason ABC wrote poor Julie McCullough off the show. When will TV execs realize that hot chicks that are proud of their bodies make for better TV than that puritan crap peddled by the “moral” majority?

4. The wedding of Monica and Chandler on Friends

This union marked the end of the show Friends and the beginning, and unrecoverable downslide, of the show Couples. Before Monica and Chandler hooked up there were blind dates, one night stands, office place romances and Tom Sellick. Sure Ross and Rachel had their romance but it was a nice side story to the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle led by the remaining four. Their hook up at Ross’s wedding to Emily killed the show, much like how Ross saying he took Rachel to be his wife instead of Emily killed that marriage. A lot happened in this episode. Chandler got cold feet (which was about as predictable as Tom DeLay taking a fact finding trip to the newest golf course), Joey hit on someone, and Rachel found out she was pregnant as a nice cliffhanger for the following season. But the most important thing that happened in that episode was the show Friends jumped the proverbial shark and became a sap-fest. They should have moved the show to Lifetime following this season.

3. Woody’s wedding to Kelly on Cheers

While the wedding of Chandler and Monica marked the end of a good show, Woody and Kelly’s wedding on Cheers was one of the show’s best episodes, right up there with Cliff Claven on Jeopardy and any episode involving Gary’s Old Town Tavern. In this episode Sam does what Sam does best by seducing a German soldier’s wife and tried to back peddle out of it when the German confronted him. Lillith was singing show tunes to distract the crowd while the gang moved a dead body up and down a dumb-waiter. Woody, who recently experienced the pleasures of having sex, was all over his soon-to-be bride. Frasier got the priest drunk because when he was sober he was anti-weddings and wouldn’t perform the ceremony. And of course Cliff and Norm were Cliff and Norm. The show ended with Woody and Kelly getting hitched and the dead body falling out of a closet and onto the wedding cake. It’s too bad good sit-coms are about as common as sensible politicians these days.

2. The Anti-Dentite on Seinfeld

This episode ended with the wedding of Kramer’s vertically challenged friend Mickey to a girl who was one of a pair of twins who Kramer and Mickey romanced. The girl was normal height and while imdb.com says otherwise, I’m convinced one those girls played Tori on Saved by the Bell the year Kelly and Jesse were off the show. The episode’s other storyline was Jerry being an anti-dentite, or someone who is prejudiced against dentists. That led to this exchange:

JERRY: So you won’t believe what happened with Whatley today. It got back to him that I made this little dentist joke and he got all offended. Those people can be so touchy.
KRAMER: Those people, listen to yourself.
JERRY: What?
KRAMER: You think that dentists are so different from me and you? They came to this country just like everybody else, in search of a dream.
JERRY: Kramer, he’s just a dentist.
KRAMER: Yeah, and you’re an anti-dentite.
JERRY: I am not an anti-dentite!
KRAMER: You’re a rabid anti-dentite! Oh, it starts with a few jokes and some slurs. “Hey, denty!” Next thing you know you’re saying they should have their own schools.
JERRY: They do have their own schools!
KRAMER: Yeah!....

Anyway, at the wedding Jerry, whose date was Debra Messing, leans up to congratulate Mickey’s father, none other than the great Robert Wagner on his son’s nuptials, when the original #2 says to Jerry, “That’s Dr. Abbott, D.D.S. Tim Whatley was one of my students. And if this wasn’t my son’s wedding day, I’d knock you teeth out you anti-dentite bastard.” Then of course Kramer’s date, the bride’s twin sister, runs out of the church because she can’t have Mickey for herself. Who knew little people not named Verne Troyer were so appealing to the fairer sex.

1. The wedding of Mel Silver and Jackie Taylor on Beverly Hills 90210

This episode had it all. The merging of two families in the most famous zip code in America. The coming together of the Silvers and the Taylors is on the same line as the unions of the Capulets and the Montagues, the Kennedys and the Onasises and the Cruises and the Holmeses (except Mel and Jackie was for real and involved real religions like Christianity and Judaism, not a publicity stunt to recruit for a cult like Scientology). This was the episode that led to the 90210 spin-off of Melrose Place. Original MP’er Jake was building the altar (or as the Silvers might call it-a chupah) for the ceremony. But the show should be remembered as the one where the feud between Dylan and Jim Walsh came to a head. Jim didn’t approve of Dylan’s maverick ways and thought he was no good for his daughter, even though his net worth was someone in the neighborhood of Papua New Guinea’s GDP. Brenda didn’t like to see the two men in her life fight but her pleading could do no good. The rift climaxed with Dylan, all of 17 years old (34 in real life) throwing a beer bottle against the Walsh’s house and yelling at Jim to take a shot at him. Jim didn’t hit him, Dylan stormed off and Brenda cried. And with that the 90210 audience had one of its first glimpses of the Dylan McKay walk-away, a move that always left women intrigued and wanting more from the brooder and one that would be mimicked by two college guys several years later in the basement of a fraternity house at a small liberal arts college in southeastern PA with far less success.

Congratulations Tafter.