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Rock of Love

Written by sdettorre

As previously mentioned in this space, I have a lot of pride for my hometown area. I went to high school with the all-time Jeopardy champion as well as the most recent Bachelor. Professional golfer and former U.S. Open champion Jim Furyk is also an alumnus of my high school. Our 15th, and possibly worst, President James Buchannan hails from my neck of the woods. Sports, politics, and academics are well represented by the citizens of Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

But if we move slightly to the west, to a town called Mechanicsburg, we find the hometown of a man and his band mates who helped put Central Pennsylvania on the map as a birthplace of a certain kind of entertainment called glam-rock. The man who I speak of is none other than Bret Michaels and his friends – Ricky Rockett, Bobby Dall and CC DeVille – also known as Poison. After a storied career of playing heavy metal while wearing women’s make-up Bret Michaels decided he had enough of this town to town philandering and casual encounters with rock and roll groupies, and it was time for him to settle down. At least long enough to film a reality show called Rock of Love.

Rock of Love is cut from the same cloth as every other reality dating show out there except a hero from days gone by is the bachelor. Bret Michaels gave youngsters nationwide in the 1980s the idea that they could sing cheesy pop songs and still be considered a bad-ass. Try doing that today Justin Timberlake.

The show’s first episode featured the women, 25 in all, being lined up and introduced to Bret’s head of security Big John. Big John then eliminated 5 girls immediately because he didn’t think they were up to par for the standards of dating a washed-up 40 something rocker who wears leopard-print cowboy hats to cover his receding hairline. Be that as it may, the first night consisted of the girls drinking, chatting, throwing themselves at Bret, drinking, taking seductive pictures, fighting and more drinking. One lady in particular named Tiffany, who said she was doing this show for her daughter, was what people in the know call a bad drunk. Picture Tara Reid, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan rolled into one degenerative life-form that looked like an older version of Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Needless to say this contestant was eliminated within the first two episodes. Tiffany’s catch-phrase was “Don’t threaten me with a goodtime”. It should have been “Don’t threaten me with a breath mint and self-respect”.

Of the girls that remain the percentage of how many at one point were given U.S. currency for dancing on stage is probably right around 60%. The remaining 40% seem to be old groupies, younger girls looking for a break into show business and that’s about it. So strippers, groupies and usurers make up Bret Michael’s dating pool…sounds right about what the 1980s were like for him. Who says you can’t live in the past.

The show consists of challenges for the girls to try to win Bret’s heart and the winners get to go on a private date with him. Well private meaning the girls that won and Bret. Last week’s winners of the challenge, which was talking dirty to Bret, got to go to the recording studio with Bret and lay vocals on one of the songs on his new album. The song will undoubtedly be ignored by future concert goers and put up with only so they can hear Poison’s hits from the 80’s

Since this is a reality show it has to have drama of some kind. So far one girl with purple hair pushed a girl with pink hair into the pool, the same girl with purple hair who is a PETA supporter was offended that another girl ate food that at one time had parents, and finally one girl who in my opinion used to urinate standing up tried to get another girl kicked off by Bret because she was at one time engaged. The Sopranos, CSI and Two and a Half Men have nothing compared to the drama on Rock of Love.

One of the funnier moments of the show was in the first episode where each girl had her photo taken by Bret and then went and introduced herself to him. The first few shook his hand, then the next hugged him until finally every girl was giving Bret a throat culture with her tongue. That’s not that funny, but one of the girls wouldn’t kiss Bret after that because she didn’t know where the other girls had been. But had these other girls not kissed him she would have? This is the same man who made a sex tape with Pamela Anderson and was on the road with an extremely popular rock band that women pined for and this contestant was worried about the other girls and their pasts. This is similar to worrying about where the draft is coming from in your house when there’s a tornado coming down the street.

A side note on Bret’s head of security and apparent best friend Big John. My brother was at a wedding on Long Island recently and Big John was staying in the same hotel. They ended up talking and having a beer or two but after a while Big John became Hemorrhoid John and my brother didn’t have any Preparation-H around to get rid of him. Needless to say it seems that while Big John is indeed big and named John, he’s not quite the rock and roller he seems to be on TV. But he can get backstage passes to Poison concerts which these days is probably about as popular as ESPN’s Who’s Now segment.

As with any reality dating show, those on the Rock of Love will assuredly laugh, cry, drink themselves into a blackout, make out with each other and ruin any chance at respectability they may have. I’m looking for Erin, Brandi M. and Jes to make it pretty deep into this contest so that one day Bret Michaels will have the chance to return the favor.

If you have a comment let me know at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com