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The Inferno 3

Written by sdettorre

Certain things in life are said to be certain. Thanks to MTV, and that’s not a phrase that one says everyday, their series of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge in its various forms (Duel, Inferno) being television gold is as certain as death and taxes. The latest installment, The Inferno 3, is no different.

The Inferno 3 re-introduced a prior theme of the show, pitting the Good Guys against the Bad Asses. In the past MTV has been a little off in its judgment of who belongs on what team. For example a few seasons ago they had Landon from Real World Philadelphia on the Good Guys team. While he seems like a decent enough guy from time to time, he is also the same person who got as drunk as this man= and walked around yielding a kitchen knife in the direction of his roommates. Guilty of assault – yes…good guy – no. The same can be said for this season when they placed Ev on the Bad Ass team. Now she doesn’t exactly come across as a nice person or a girl you’d like to spend more than 10 minutes with, but since she was on MTV airwaves for about 6 minutes before this there is no basis for making her either a Good Guy or a Bad Ass. The rest of the cast fits onto their respective teams as well as Paris Hilton belongs in jail. More on that topic later.

This season got off to perhaps its best start ever but with a disappointing result. Resident Masshole CT, who on his season of the Real World nearly beat his roommate to a pulp and almost single-handedly reversed centuries of French culture in 4 months. He started off the Inferno 3 by getting catatonically drunk, which for someone from Bah-ston is also known as a Tuesday afternoon, and decking Davis, the resident gay guy from the most recent Real World season. The drama of CT getting so drunk and hitting someone was the best start but MTV forcing him off the show, hence eliminating several drunken episodes down the line, was the disappointment. The Inferno 3 would have been a success regardless but having CT around for a full season is like adding Heather Locklear to the cast of Melrose Place minus the beauty and history of marrying rock stars. With CT kicked off the show for slugging Davis, MTV turned to someone who the audience is very familiar with, someone who has been on the network longer than Carson Daly than but less than John Norris, Challenge vet Derrick.

This season has been on for about a month now and here are a few of the highlights. Tonya from Real World Chicago is married. I wonder if her husband has a TV because she’s slept with just about everyone on it. If she went on any more reality shows she’d be giving McDonalds a run for its many in number of people served. Timmy has proven that no matter how old he gets he will always find time to participate in one of these shows. He is old enough to be some of these kids’ dad. While some of the cast members might wet themselves from too much drinking, Timmy probably does it because he forgot to take his medicine.

One thing that is overlooked when examining The Inferno, and the Challenges in general, as one of the better franchises on TV, is the absolute blessed life TJ Lavin leads. This guy is apparently famous for jumping dirt on a bike. I wish I came up with the idea of crawling under a tree as a sport so I could host these shows, but credit is due where its due. At least twice a year TJ gets to travel to an exotic place somewhere in the world and direct a cast of meatheads and drama queens in various challenges. This requires no skill other than not getting a haircut telling the losers that they have 20 minutes to get their bags and get out of town. I went to school for 15 years and have several degrees but if all it took to getting plum jobs like Lavin’s was getting on a Schwinn and jumping over some dirt piles when I was a teenager, I would have had a bulldozer digging up the backyard. Like the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.

The goal of the show is to skim the teams down to about 3-5 members and have them participate in a more taxing version of a Double Dare Physical Challenge. The winning team takes home more money than most people earn in a couple years. They have this opportunity because they were smart enough to take steroids and lose their sexual hang-ups at the age when MTV came looking for a cast of the Real World or Road Rules. Timing is indeed everything. Of the remaining cast members Alton, Abram, Ev, and Aneesa are as good as in for the final. They are the Yankees of the Challenges in that they are always in the last few. Davis, Paula Ace, and Susie might as well pack their bags now. If the aforementioned are the Yankees then these four are the Washington Generals of the series. The day Ace makes a final is the day Paris Hilton wins the Pulitzer Prize.

On that note, there are several dates in a year that people remember. Independence Day is July 4, Christmas is December 25 and St. Patrick’s Day (and my anniversary) is March 17. Well a new date can be added to the list in which Americans should spend time with friends and family, maybe have a spirit or two and on May 4th celebrate the day that Paris Hilton was sentenced to go to jail . The reason the judge, who should automatically be given a seat on the Supreme Court and have his face chiseled into Mount Rushmore for this judgment, sentenced the heiress to prison was for repeatedly driving on a suspended license and ignoring several court orders. But let’s be honest, these charges were only the tip of many reasons Paris Hilton should be put away. She has single-handedly ruined the phrase “that’s hot”. Now when someone has the water too warm and says so, the people around don’t know if the water is really too hot or if it’s just being sexy. Paris has also led a portion of this country to believe that if you are born into right family you can be famous and have no accountability for your actions. Also, due to Ms. Hilton a wide array of people probably think they deserve a record deal because she had one with no discernable singing talent. Ellen Jamesians would sound better behind a microphone than Paris did. People like K-Fed, Lindsay Lohan and Heidi form The Hills were most likely all inspired by Paris’s album. Truthfully who can blame them. It would be the same as saying that if Jimmy Fallon could be on Saturday Night Live why can’t I? If the E! channel has any sense of responsibility it will change plans for the upcoming Simple Life and follow Paris around in the pokey. And after having her image shown all across America without her makeup, designer threads and peroxide maybe she will finally be offered the role she was born to play.

If you have a comment email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com