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Howard Stern Loses His Meal Ticket

Written by lindsaylaw

Praise the Lord and ring the church bells! The L Update is back atcha with your regularly scheduled gossip roundup. I know you felt a void and I do apologize for that, but bitches gotta take a break sometimes.

It’s official! Larry Birkhead is the daddy of Dannielynn Hope! Did you turn a cartwheel with excitement when you heard the news? I sure did. Howard Stern has said he will not fight Larry for custody since it’s now confirmed that he’s 99.99999999% a gold digging liar.

Anna Nicole’s half-sister, who only met her once, already pushed out a book “Train Wreck: The Life and Death of Anna Nicole .” Heartless or genius? The movie about Anna Nicole’s life starring Willa Ford http://images.askmen.com/galleries/singer/willa-ford/pictures/willa-ford-picture-1.jpg is said to start shooting in coming weeks.

Britney Spears is officially divorced and trailblazing the city with her dollar store wigs. Rumors are swirling that she’s dating some Laker dude. I wonder what she does with her wig when they do the nasty. Does she have one of those scary heads next to her bed? Or does she take it off and fire it like a slingshot across the room? Oh, the possibilities.

Justin Timberlake admitted he called his distressed ex while she was in rehab to wish her the best – and by that he means they had phone sex. Dirty, raunchy, needy, rehab phone sex.

Meanwhile, Justin also confirmed that he is collaborating with Madonna on her new album, which is said to be hip-hop influenced.

Courtney Love revealed a new skinny and wrinkly stomach on the sands of Hawaii. She said she has a strict diet to thank for her figure, but speculators say she had gastric band surgery. Some reports even went so far to say that she’s been vomiting into a towel and her breath stinks all the time. HA!

Of course Courtney is pissed and denies the whole thing. All I know is my granny’s butt has fewer wrinkles than Courtney’s stomach. Can she not afford a cover up?

Apparently Kate Moss and Crackhead McGee are engaged.

Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker are back together and have called off their separation.

Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora are officially dee-vorced.

Danny Bonaduce finally sent his wife over the edge.

Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal’s relationship is said to be heating up. I wonder what his boyfriend has to say about that.

Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds are apparently dating now.

If you haven’t yet seen Alanis Morissette’s version of “My Humps,” check it out.

Scary Spice named Eddie Murphy as her yet-to-be-named baby’s daddy on the birth certificate and sold some pics for a boatload.

Malcolm is old enough to drive?

Life & Style is reporting that Angelina Jolie hasn’t been paying attention to her biological pet Shiloh since Paxil came along. It seems that DadBrad as been picking up the slack in showering kisses on the full lipped beauty, and I don’t mean Angelina. Word on the street is he’s moved out, but I don’t believe it. Her panties are hypnotic.

Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis is in a heap of trouble. Not only was he indicted on tax evasion and contempt of court, it seems they also got him on bribery and possession of stuff you’re not supposed to have in jail. Like my daddy always said: Don’t go to jail if you can’t make bail and empty your pockets of all narcotics.

Jason Wahler of Laguna Beach and The Hills fame was arrested … again.

Having The Hills withdrawals? Read this sickening interview Heidi and Spencer and you’ll be over it .

Paris Hilton has spread her STD’s to this dude.

Mandy Moore is honest … and I like it.

How does Entourage star Adrian Grenier celebrate HBO premiere weekend? By singing karaoke at a drag queen bar of course! Click here or the exclusive, never before seen (unless you were in the bar with me) pics. Do you recognize the blonde? Hit me back if you do, because I sure didn’t.

Don Imus was fired from MSNBC and CBS after he called the women’s basketball team at Rutgers “nappy-headed ho’s.” Totally uncalled for obviously, and it pains my heart to jump on this bandwagon, but what about Isaiah Washington, Rosie O’Donnell, Paris Hilton, etc. It’s ok for them to offend faggots, ching-chong-chings and, I can’t even repeat how Paris recently referred to blacks and Jews.

Oh, I’m sorry. Did you find that last sentence offensive? I certainly did. Those are their words, not mine. Hell, Rosanne Barr even said some pretty offensive stuff this week about the homos, but nobody’s talking about that! If Imus has to pay the price, so should they. What’s with the double standard, huh? HUH?!

And with that, I’ll get off my pedestal and add this disclaimer: During this sensitive time of political correctness, I fully expect you to find offense in everything and all I write here in this humble column. So suck it.

Lindsay Hohan is still saying she doesn’t drink even though she goes out partying every night. Whatever. I’m over her. I officially declare this a Lindsay Lohan free zone until she does something worth writing about … like winning an Oscar or posing in Playboy.

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New in theaters:
Disturbia
Perfect Stranger
Redline
Pathfinder