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Real World Denver

Written by sdettorre

18 is a momentous birthday in America. The list of things you can do when you’re 18 that you can’t do when you’re 17 is long and exhaustive. People can vote for their elected representatives. Young men have to register with the Selective Service. High school students can legally have sex with their teachers. Finally it is usually in the 18th year of life that American teens head off to college and we all know what happens there. College is a training ground for learning how to handle, and not handle, one’s alcoholic intake. It also is usually the first time someone lives with people they aren’t related to. Lastly, college is most likely where today’s youth has its first experiences with the opposite sex (Well maybe not today’s youth but the youth when I was young). And what better show to celebrate, and emulate, the 18th year of life than MTV’s Real World, which turns 18 seasons old in the Mile High City of Denver, Colorado.

Since I’ve been away for a bit, let’s bring back the good old days with a play-by-play account of the first episode of the Real World Denver.

The first scene is the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. It should be noted that while this is the first scene of these early 20-somethings’ experience on the Real World, it is also the scene where yours truly will begin his actual Real World in March since I am getting married in New Orleans. Hopefully none of my future children will resemble anyone who was ever cast on this show. It is here where we meet Colie, a cute 22 year old Jersey girl who is graduating from Tulane. Now there are clips of the commencement speakers, Presidents Bush 41 and Clinton. Which presidential speaker do you think MTV showed the clip where the students applauded? I’ll give you a hint, his name rhymes with Pill Minton. They just showed Colie’s mom tearing up with pride. My guess is she’ll be crying a lot more than that when she sees her daughter’s first three-way in a broom closet.

Next we meet Jenn, also 22 years old but from California not Jersey, although she definitely could pass as going to the same salon as my junior year neighbor who was from Jersey and drove a Mustang that changed colors depending on your angle of vision. Jenn just said she spent the past four years as a cheerleader for the most prestigious team in the NFL…the Oakland Raiders. The Raiders? The last time I checked the Raiders have won 6 games over the past two seasons. If that counts as prestige then I’d hate to see her definition of disappointment. But she was a Raiderette so she gets a pass. On everything.

Tyrie just introduced himself to us. I’m guessing he’s a partying meathead who will win lots of cash one day on the Real World-Road Rules Challenge. He just met Jenn at the train station. Both of them immediately ask if the other is single. But not in the direct are you single kind of way but more so in the “did you bring sand to the beach” kind of way. After seeing Jenn, Tyrie said the first thing he was going to unpack was a box of condoms. Show your hand early eh Tyrie? That move never really worked for me but we’ll have to see how it works for him. Incidentally both are single. MTV would be foolish to cast people in relationships these days.

Cast: “Hey we’re going to go binge drink and do some bad things, maybe get hopped up enough to play a little game called just the tip just to see how it feels or ow, ow you’re on my hair…want to come?”

Cast Mate in Relationship: “Nah I’m going to stay in and count the ways I miss my boo.”

Tyrie and Jenn are being escorted to the house by a handsome cab. Rusty…Rusty!!!

Alex and Brooke were just introduced. Alex has both ears pierced. I thought dudes stopped piercing their ears when Theo realized it was wrong on The Cosby Show. Then again until I was 14 I thought it was normal for ex-jocks to move from Brooklyn to Connecticut to become housekeepers. Brooke is from Nashville. She said she’s nervous and doesn’t know who to expect in the house. Has she never seen the show before? There will be at least one minority, one gay person, a princess, a southern belle, an easy girl and a few meatheads. It’s as predictable as Pam Anderson waking up one morning and saying to herself, “Wait a minute, I married Kid Rock? He looks more like Fragile Rock. I’m out of here.”

Finally we meet the last two castmates. Stephen is 22 and is Vice President of the student body at his school. He can kiss his political aspirations away if he acts in any way like any former member of this show. “Vote for me…I may have had unprotected sex in a hot tub while it was being filmed by some strangers from a cable TV channel but I won’t raise your taxes.” Davis is from Georgia and just graduated from college with the hopes of being a plastic surgeon. He can examine Jenn as a model for how it looks when done right. They both seem to be religious guys. Always makes for good TV when one person lives their life by the mantra “What Would Jesus Do” and another by “What Would Courtney Love Do”.

On to the house and the cast’s obligatory shock and awe of the digs. Like MTV would put them up in a dump. Actually I would pay to see these seven fools walk into a condemned house in the middle of an “up and coming” neighborhood. “Hey we have a sauna.” “Nope, it’s a busted pipe in the radiator. Winter’s coming, might want to get that fixed.”

Stephen just met Tyrie and said he was excited that he wasn’t the only black guy in the house. Can’t help but have a flashback to Not Another Teen Movie on that line. Colie just said this is the most ridiculous house in all of America. I’d bet the Playboy Mansion is slightly more ridiculous. Just a hunch. Colie followed up that statement by asking Alex what something was in the house. It’s a pool table Colie, you’ll probably have sex on it within 3 weeks. Right of passage and stuff. Most of the group is off to buy booze for a first night welcoming party. Ibid on the right of passage. Davis just said he and Colie have a mutual friend. He then said, and I’m paraphrasing here, my best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Colie pass out at 31 Flavors one night. I guess their link is pretty serious. Davis just came out. So that rounds out the cast. 2 minorities, a princess, a southern belle, a trampy looking girl, a gay guy and a meathead. This seems familiar.

Now it’s boozing time. The entire cast is 21 this time around, which is good because MTV is known for its hard stance against underage drinking and fake IDs. Truth or dare is being played. Is this a Madonna documentary? Alex was dared to kiss Colie on the neck for 5 seconds. She just said it was the best 5 seconds of her life. Not saying much for her past experiences there. She’s also selling short a trip to Cluck-U that any self-respecting Jersey-ite has made. And a good Cluck-U trip is better than any 5 second kiss, I don’t care where on the body it is.

Brooke and Jenn are now kissing in the hot tub. OK, that was better than Cluck-U.

Colie and Alex are taking that 5 second neck kiss to the next level in the bedroom. And since they are kids of this new MTV generation, that probably means a night of doing the reverse pancake only twice. Colie woke up and just said she doesn’t want to run into Alex. Kind of hard to do when he lives in the same house. Our future is in good hands people. Much to Alex’s benefit, Colie just told the other girls he is well endowed. She might as well have poisoned them and put the anecdote in his crotch. Girls are predictable and I’m predicting Alex gets to know all of them on a personal level because of Colie’s revelation.

The super seven are at some bar in town. There’s nothing like a little morning or afternoon drinking to take the edge off from the night before I always say. Davis just came out to the group and Stephen has taken issue with it. Can’t say I’m shocked MTV set up this conflict. It’s about as surprising as a disgraced Congressman checking into rehab.

More drinking around the house is going on. Alex just showed his tattoo which says “Hey”. In the most idiotic tattoos I’ve ever seen his right up there with the kid in high school who got a soccer ball tattooed on the center of his thigh so people could see it in games. And I graduated high school with the next Bachelor for ABC, one Dr. Andrew Baldwin, and the all-time Jeopardy champion Mr. Brad Rutter. So this kid was pretty dumb in comparison. And so is Alex. Off to the bar.

Colie is all over Alex and wants him to sleep over again. Alex says “we’ll see.” Red flags should be going off in Colie’s head that Alex ain’t that interested in round two and he wants to see what other mountains he can climb while in the Rockies. Turns out those Rockies are ranged in his own house. Alex and Jenn are now fooling around. I wonder if at one point she said “Hey Alex, I wonder if you and Randy Moss like the same things in bed?” Somehow Alex and Jenn dodged getting caught by a half asleep Colie and then proceeded to get back to where they left off. Quote of the episode belongs to Jenn for this beaut, “We’re messing around and I realize we’re having sex.” That’s like discovering plutonium, by accident.

In summation, one guy hooked up with two of the three girls in the house in the first two nights. He had sex with at least one them. The two girls claim to be best friends. This has the recipe for a fantastic season that will undoubtedly disappoint in the only way the real world, both fictional and real, knows how to do.

If you have a comment, email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com.