How Can I Advertise on HillZoo?

HillZoo Classifieds

Recent Reader Contributions

Your Uncle Bert spoke about (Hallo-whore-ween)
Nothing beats young ladies whoring it up on Halloween. I buy ‘em beers and cosmos, whatever they want, year after year. ...
Sarah spoke about (The Girls Next Door)
Kendra is the only good looking one… the other two are hideous… one is kinda chunky and looks like someones mom ...
whatev spoke about (The Girls Next Door)
PLEASE! DOES ANYONE KNOW IF THE GIRLS HAVE A FAN MAIL THAT YOU CAN WRITE TO, NOT MYSPACE OR BEBO, BUT ...
bosley spoke about (Hallo-whore-ween)
Just because your fat and ugly doesnt mean you should try and ruin everybody elses halloween fun. Let people dress as ...

Feature Archives

He Said, She Said Movie Reviews

Community

Useful Links

How Can I Advertise on HillZoo?

Privacy, Copyrights, Disclaimers & Other Policies

Real Time With Bill Maher

Written by sdettorre

With this being Election Season cable news shows are brimming with roundtable discussions, pundits from both sides of the aisle and Geraldo. Will the Democrats win the 15 seats they need to take over the House? Will the GOP be able to retain control of the Senate? Will Rita Cosby start speaking like a woman? These are the questions that are prevalent this time of year. Being that I live in Virginia I get to decide who to vote for between a guy who has racially insensitive terms magically appear to him and his opponent who authors novels where some of the lines make you wonder if he has some deep rooted issues or just an active imagination .

One show that helps address these issues in an adult setting (i.e. on HBO) is Real Time with Bill Maher. Bill Maher is a former comedian who uses his Cornell education and comedic skills to moderate a panel discussion each Friday on the issues of the day. Maher is politically left leaning but he does seem to have some common sense, which is more than can be said for many liberals. The panel consists of three people, usually made up of the same kind of people each week. They are a left-wing celebrity who really doesn’t know what is coming out of their mouths other than it makes the audience applaud (DL Hughley), a right-wing fool who plays into the hands of the left-leaning crowd by making some of the most outlandish statements conservatives can make (Sandy Rios) and an intellectual no one in the general public has ever heard of (Victor Davis Hanson). Throughout the show Bill interviews a few guests via satellite. These guests are usually politicians or activists of some kind. After the debate is over and the satellite interviews are completed, Bill goes into his “New Rules” segment of the show. It is here where he rants and raves about various topics, usually with a sense of humor mixed with insight. Here is an example of one of his latest “New Rules”:

“Just because you’re drunk and it’s October, it doesn’t make it Octoberfest. When you drink in November, it’s not Novemberfest. It’s just Thanksgiving and you hate your relatives. Besides, we already know what happens when people get drunk and start acting like Germans.” [slide of Mel Gibson’s mug shot]

For this column I’m going to act the part of host of Real Time and conduct an “interview” and let you into a few of the things I’d like to see made into new rules.

Please put your hands together for my guest via satellite from Golddiggerville, USA…Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Britney Spears himself and future Surreal Life castmate, Kevin Federline.

Welcome to the show Kevin, how are you doing?

K-Fed: What’s up G?
Steve: Actually my name is Steve so “S” would apply here. But Steve works just as well. So Mr. Spears, how does it feel to be loathed by all of America? I think Congress’s approval ratings might be higher than yours.

K-Fed: No one gets higher than K-Fed…no one.

Steve: I can see Britney married you for your brains and attention to detail. We’ll just skip that last question because you are clearly a moron. I understand you are trying to release a rap album now on your own label. What is the success rate of back-up dancers becoming rappers? Is it better than former florists who try to make it, or how about ex-wedding planners? Do you think you have them beat?
K-Fed: The only thing I’m worried about beating right now is the spread this weekend. Brit said if I don’t start bringing some money in she’ll toss me to the curb, Ferrari and all.

Steve: How do you feel about the fact that your virtual twin David Silver, also known as Brian Austin Green, beat you to the punch with the California kid just wanting to make it as a dancer only to switch gears, stop shaving, wearing “bling” and trying become a rapper? And he had Babyface to bring him along, you have a wife who may or may not be whiter trash than that teacher in Florida who slept with her students.
K-Fed: You know I got with my teacher in high school, dog. You know this.

Steve: No you didn’t or else she’d have a child from you. Haven’t you ever heard of a condom? Or did you just think that was a college in Maryland?

Steve: Seeing how I’m now dumber for having spoken with you, I’m going to pretend I spent the last few minutes slamming my head in a drawer. I don’t think my head would hurt as much from that. Kevin Federline everyone…

Now onto New Rules…

New Rule…While certain things only come around in the Fall, like football, autumn foliage and moving the clocks back an hour, one thing that must remain year round is Boot Season. Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. The footwear you don when the weather gets cold that is suitable for work but also is suitable for low-budget snuff films. There’s a reason models and “entertainers” wear high heeled boots or glass heels when on stage. And it’s not because their slippers had dirt on them. Wear knee length boots year round and wear them proud I say.

New Rule…Can our political parties start putting people on the ballot who are smarter than me? Over the past few years we’ve gone away from the elected official who is educated, worldly and intelligent. Instead we’ve been nominating and electing folksy average Joe’s (who happen to have assets worth millions) who people think are just like them. Well I don’t want my political representative to be just like me. I want him, or her, to be better. And smarter. And wealthy (people who are wealthy know how to save money, not spend it frivolously, the current Administration being an obvious exception). If we keep electing people who “are just like me”, we’re going to have a lot of elected officials playing video games, binge drinking and playing on the internet. And those activities should only be limited to members of the City Council.

And finally…New Rule…we need to stop glamorizing talentless people and making them celebrities for no reason. They are making a mockery of the institution that in the past gave us Jimmy Stewart, James Cagney, Lana Turner, Marilyn Monroe and Tiny Tim. Why photographers and entertainment columnists constantly need to know who Brody Jenner is dating, if Nicole Richie ate lunch, if Brandon Davis has any money and who Paris Hilton is having sex with this week is beyond me. We are implanting in our impressionable citizens that if your parents are rich you have every right to make a complete ass out of yourself while spending their money without any consequences. To this I have a message to the parents…act like a parent, cut their spoiled kids off and make them earn their keep or be sent to a place where family wealth means everything and future goals other than which club to have lunch at mean nothing. That’s right, the Hamptons. No one goes there anyway besides their kind. Who wants to pay $9 for a Budweiser? Not me unless it comes with a complimentary lap dance. For all I care they can annex the area and let them govern themselves. Monday – town meeting…Tuesday – Badminton Tournament…Wednesday – Ladies get in free night…and so on. And then Hollywood can go back to the years I remember so well. You know, the Heidi Fleiss scandals, Hugh Grant getting the “Clinton Special” from Divine Brown and 80s hair bands making it big. At least they had something this new crop of celebrities lacks…talent.

Well that’s our column for this week. I’d like to thank my guests the left-wing liberal who likes to talk but has no common sense, the right-wing conservative who is convinced the Earth was created in 6 days when in fact there is scientific evidence proving him wrong and the other guy who said nothing. Great show, now it’s time for a drink.

If you have a comment, email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com