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The Tao of Steve

Written by sdettorre

It has been some time since my last entry. They don’t call August the dog days of summer for nothing folks. I needed a little down time to recharge the ol’ battery. That and watch TV, go to movies and draft three fantasy football teams all the while preparing for my real life activities of softball and bowling. But over the last month or so I’ve had time to sit back and watch some television and observe the ongoing destruction of society led by Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and the rest of the modern MTV-generation. That is the generation that has never seen a video on the network. To get back in the swing of things I’m going to touch on a few issues rather than devote an entire column to one show.

I HOPE THE BOYS FROM ENTOURAGE GOT A GOOD LOOK AT THE SHARK AS THEY JUMPED OVER IT
This past season of Entourage was by far the worst and most disappointing of the show’s brief three year run. Everything gets resolved in one episode. Godforbid there’s a cliff hanger for next week’s show. Could someone please explain to me how E is becoming a power player in Hollywood with no experience/education in the business besides carrying Vince’s gym bag in high school and working the register at Sbarro. The “rumble” between Vince’s entourage and Seth Green’s is a joke in and of itself. When Eric and Seth stand next to each other it’s like Raggedy Ann and Andy sprung to life. No self-respecting person could be threatened by either one of those leprechauns. Seriously, one of them got beat up by Sage Stallone in Rocky V and the other was the target of repeated bodily functions by a meathead in Can’t Buy Me Love. My dog could take both of them down and he hides under the sink when it thunders. The season ended with Vince firing Ari, his long-time agent and pseudo-friend. Makes sense for Vince to put all his chips on a guy who got dumped for Zed from Police Academy by someone who eventually married Jay Mohr. Yes the very same Jay Mohr whose current colleagues include a Pepsi Can and the guy from Yes Dear. At least Johnny Drama is still funny.

WHILE I DETEST MTV, I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEIR REAL WORLD/ROAD RULES CHALLENGES
Watching MTV is like having a front row seat to the end of the teen generation as we know it. Gone are the days when shows such as Saved by the Bell, 90210, and Dawson’s Creek had us all tuning in to see if Slater and Jessie would get in a fight, Brandon would do something foolish (drive drunk, cheat on Kelly, become friends with Steve Sanders) and learn from his mistake by the end of the show, or if Pacy would sleep with a teacher. Now, thanks to MTV, our teen generation gets to watch shows like Two a Days, The Hills and Date My Mom for examples on how to behave. I wouldn’t be surprised if kids in high school these days thought if a date was going bad all they could yell was “Next” and another person would come to take the other’s place. It’s no wonder all our IT jobs are outsourced to India. But there is a silver lining to MTV, and that is whatever challenge they put forth to the former casts of the Real World and Road Rules. This is a show that has it all. Real fights that involve fisticuffs, hair pulling and emotional scarring; young singles experimenting physically with the opposite sex (or seeing if it’s better at 25 than it was at 15 when they probably first got lucky); and big time cash on the line. This past season was called Fresh Meat where MTV veterans teamed up with new people who never appeared on the network. Most of the “Fresh Meat” were rejects from the Key West Real World but that’s neither here nor there. The losing teams went into exile where they had to carry bags with the weight of their luggage through an obstacle course. Wes (a mow hawked d-bag from the Austin cast) and Casey (a cute blonde who apparently took her prize money and ‘enhanced’ herself) were in exile almost every week. As much as I disliked Wes on his show, after a few weeks it was hard to root against him as the established veterans of these challenges kept trying to get him to go home. It wasn’t meant to be as Wes and Casey made it to the final three but did not take home the $250,000 grand prize. That’s right, two people on a reality show won $125,000 each because they could carry the weight of their bags ten miles in the fastest time. If anyone needs me I’ll be drinking gasoline next to a campfire.

PARIS HILTON
If MTV is the vehicle that will bring about the Apocalypse, Paris Hilton is the messenger. Everything about her makes me sick. Let’s examine her exploits of the past few months shall we? She recently released an album in which she claims to sing on it. If she is a professional singer than Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are qualified to open a marriage counseling business. Paris recently stated she is giving up sex for a year because she’s tired of it and wants guys to want her for who she is as opposed to her body and what she can offer them. She also said she breaks up with guys because all she does is kiss. I didn’t know that kiss – aside from meaning to touch or caress with the lips as an expression of affection, greeting, respect, or amorousness and being a kick-ass rock band from the 1970s – also meant a three-way with someone running a camera and midget serving snacks. This announcement was also coming on the heels of Paris hanging out with Matt Leinart, who gave up on just kissing probably after he signed his letter of intent to play at USC. The other factor we’re overlooking here is if one is hanging out with Paris there can only be one reason to do so, and it isn’t to talk election polls because the only poles she knows about are connected to a floor and ceiling and have a small stage with a big mirror close by. Whatever the feud is between Paris and Nicole, I completely support Nicole. I don’t care if Paris found Nicole in bed with her dad or if Nicole screened “A Night in Paris” (Paris’s sex tape) at Mann’s Chinese Theater, they are small potatoes in comparison to the damage this woman is doing to America.

EXTRAS
Aaron Carter, 18, recently proposed to his 22 year old girlfriend who posed in Playboy, Kari Ann Peniche. Normally I would be all for hitching one’s trailer to a member of the Playboy family, unless of course she previously dated that guy’s brother. Imagine this scenario on their wedding night.

Aaron: “Does that feel good?”
Playboy Girl: “Are you even in? Your brother was so much bigger.”

Jessica Simpson recently came out and said she’s hard to fall in love with. True. And on a clear day the sun is hard to find in the sky.

Lindsay Lohan fell and broke her wrist in New York. She said she wants there to be an investigation into the incident. Since it’s warm outside on the East Coast and not snowing just yet I’m going to eliminate the chance of ice being the reason. But I wouldn’t be entirely surprised if snow was involved on some level. Hey-Oh.

Suri Cruise was finally shown off for all the world to see in a multi-page spread for Vanity Fair. If I were Tom I’d be checking in with the Chinese delivery guy just to make sure he and Katie, oops I mean Kate, didn’t spend any long evenings trading Moo Goo Gai Pan.

That’s about it for now, I’ll be back with a TV review of some kind in the near future. But for now remember this is your brain. And this is your brain on Paris Hilton.

If you’d like to comment email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com