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TV Playboys

Written by sdettorre

As a recently engaged man I am learning that a lot of compromise is involved in planning a life together, and also a wedding. Issues such as where to get married, how many people to invite, what kind of cake (I’d like an ice cream cake), and so on require lots of discussion time and splitting differences to come to a mutual decision. One other issue that has come to the forefront is what to watch on Sunday nights. I enjoy the FOX lineup of cartoons except for King of the Hill, Entourage, Sunday Night Baseball and maybe a replay of Meet the Press.

My future betrothed enjoys Desperate Housewives, anything on the Food Network and The Girls Next Door. While I can’t complain about having to watch three buxom blondes tease the camera and increase the number blurred spots on my TV from the E! Network, I have to admit that after three minutes I’d rather watch something else. Almost anything else. But one thing watching this program did give me, besides the realization that the youngest girl next door is the female version of Kevin Federline, is the topic for this column…the greatest playboys of television.

When thinking about this subject, many great skirt-chasing characters come to mind. Bud Bundy, Theo Huxtable and Cockroach, Charlie Harper, Uncle Jesse Stamos, Danny Tanner (only when he was bachelor of the month), Mr. Drummond (Dixie Carter in her day was a-ok), Mike Seaver, Eric on Head of the Class, Alex P. Keaton, Magnum P.I., Bo and Luke Duke, Will Smith and finally Jo from Facts of Life (actually scratch that, I forgot she was a she). While impressive in their own right, these mentioned characters couldn’t hold a candle to the starting five listed below.

Dan Fielding
On the first day of law school they went around the room and asked why we were there. Some people said financial gain, others said to make a difference in the world, and even a few said because they were history majors at small liberal arts colleges and had no other prospects, but I said because I wanted to follow in the steps of a great attorney who helped shape my view of the world and how to behave like an adult…Dan Fielding from Night Court.

If there has been a bigger low-life degenerate man-whore than Dan Fielding to ever show up on TV I haven’t seen him. Played masterfully by John Larroquette, Dan Fielding was the Assistant District Attorney for New York City’s Night Court where the Honorable Judge Harry T. Stone presided. Dan would use his unlimited amount of power as a prosecutor to try to work his way into the pants of any woman with a pulse who stepped foot in the courtroom, including both clients and defendants. My guess is whenever a “lady of the night” came before Judge Stone, Dan would be hoping he able to do the same, except replace Judge Stone from the last part of that sentence with the defendant’s name and repeat. But Dan sometimes found his conquests in front of him before the judge. For example, there was a time when old ladies were brought in on charges of running a phone sex ring. To no one’s surprise Dan was a frequent caller to the women and almost reveled in the fact they recognized him too. Like many playboys before him, there was that one woman that Dan could never have, Christine Sullivan, his opposing counsel through his years before the bench. Maybe that’s why Dan slept with half of New York. He knew he had to work an angle to get to Christine and it’s possible that talking about all his Benny Hill-esque sexy parties would make Christine jealous enough to give in to sleeping with him. Women always want something they can’t have, or shouldn’t have. Christine, the moralistic and self-righteous woman that she was could never envision sleeping with such a Casanova as Dan Fielding. And yet she wanted to. Dan Fielding made uptight do-gooders secretly desire him. If that’s not inspiration enough to waste three years at law school, I don’t know what is.

Jack Tripper/Larry Dallas
To be a great playboy, one almost always needs a good wingman to jump on that grenade when necessary. One of the greatest 1-2 punches this side of Mantle and Maris was Tripper and Dallas, also known as Jack and Larry on Three’s Company. Jack was the nice guy who went in to clean up the damage Larry may have caused with his bravado. Damage control is key to being a good playboy. Women are easily angered and all a guy has to do is say one foolish thing (like forgetting their name) and a sure thing can go to a no thing in an instant. Plus since most people on the show thought Jack was gay he automatically was “safe” for most women. He could approach them without the lady feeling she was being picked up. A luxury Larry simply didn’t have.

Like most playboys, these fellas had their regular saloon where the bartender knew them and the ladies wanted to. Walking into the Regal Beagle with Jack and Larry must have been like walking into a casino with George Clooney, a bank with Donald Trump, a Baskin-Robbins with Star Jones or a free clinic with Paris Hilton. Everyone knows you and more importantly the people you’re with and why they’re there. When Jack and Larry entered the bar named partially after a dog, they were probably leaving with something named after a cat.

Brandon Walsh
Have you ever been to a high school where at some senior day they focus an entire slideshow to the girls some guy in your class has dated? Well they did for ol’ Brand-o at West Beverly in 1993. He started off with Marianne Moore in a hot tub and ended with Kelly Taylor in his heart. In the time that passed Brandon saw women come and go than a scanner sees food pass over it when Michael Moore is in town.

But Brandon was no saint. He had a battle royal for the affection of Emily Valentine with his buddy Dylan. He then stole Kelly from Dylan when Dylan was down and out on drugs. Dylan had a bachelor pad, a nifty old Porsche, a drinking problem and a sexual history as unclear as Katie Holmes “pregnancy”. Kelly left all the glamour behind for a chance to accompany Brandon to Washington so he could meet President Clinton. Oddly enough, Clinton might have been able to offer Kelly all the things Dylan did years ago, sans substance abuse.

The best aspect of Brandon’s way with women was how most of his girlfriends other than Kelly weren’t regulars on the cast. He saw the group he was in and saw a woman old enough to be his mom (Andrea), a girl who was saving herself for marriage or until David Silver begged enough (Donna), a girl who was kind of like a sister to him even though it almost didn’t stop him on at least one occasion (Val) and his sister (no comment). Instead of saying this is the lot cast for me, Brandon went outside the box and reeled in such memorable ladies as Nikki Witt, Sherice Ashe (played by Vivica A. Fox), Emma Bennett, Stacey the TV reporter, Emily Valentine, and my all-time favorite Susan Keats. Not many guys would have looked at the sure things in their cliques and said no thanks. But that’s why Brandon Walsh is on this list and David Silver isn’t.

Sam Malone
The hair, the charm, the ex-ball player mystique, Sammy had it all. Sam Malone was a former pitcher for the hometown Boston Red Sox but couldn’t get anyone out so he became a bartender in the same city. Going on a hunch here, but if Mitch Williams ever wanted to open a bar in Philadelphia he’d have to pull a Robert-a Muldoon so no one would burn his establishment down. Nevertheless Sam stuck around and decided the best way to get back at those Fenway Faithful who booed him was to sleep with their wives and daughters. Every single one of them. And for as much as living in Boston has its disadvantages, drunken women from Brockton aren’t one of them.

Sam was also a man of integrity. When his little black book was stolen by some kid who then proceeded to make dates with the women in it and not show up, Sam set up a ploy to catch him using Rebecca. Once Sam had the kid cornered he sat him down and gave him a heart to heart on how to be a babe-hound. This chat went much better than my defining talk about girls from my dad… “use these (condoms) or you’ll die.”

However Sam almost made that leap that not too many playboys make…the leap into marriage. He was planning to marry the vastly overrated and annoying Diane Chambers. Diane decided that her writing career was more important than her love of Sam and left him to pursue it. Sam’s heart was crushed. He would never truly love again. At least not for more than 6 minutes at a time.

Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry is the archetype for TV playboys. He dated and broke up with women more often than his show is aired on syndication these days. The list of women that entered his apartment or shared a meal with him at Monk’s is endless. Not to mention those women gave us fellas fantastic nicknames and phrases for women we’d meet in our own lives. There’s Man Hands (more common than you think), Mulva (for when you can’t remember her name), low talker, “they’re real and they’re spectacular”, the girl who was either or his girlfriend or his maid but not both, the artist (who plagiarized a love letter to him), and Elaine. There was the girl he was too old to admire, but like the sun had to look at and then look away. Jerry also dated a deaf girl who part-timed as a ball girl at the U.S. Open, this trend is continuing today by Silas on Weeds. Finally there was the Virgin (we’ve all been there…well not literally) who eventually dumped Jerry and slept with JFK Jr.

Not only did Jerry find numerous women to date, he found numerous ways and reasons to break up with them. One ate her peas oddly, another was boring to speak with after sex. He also lost interest in a woman because he realized they had nothing in common other than their initials, while I’m sure being Jeaneane Garofalo had something to do with it too. But ending a relationship with Jerry was a two-way street as well. He was dumped for being too emotional by Mrs. Uncle Jesse Stamos and dropped because the woman he was dating didn’t like his act and told him she couldn’t be with a man she didn’t respect, to which Jerry replied, “You’re a cashier!”

To sum up the dating planet Jerry was living on all one needs to do is remember the episode where Elaine was asking Jerry about some girl he was dating or had dated and all he could say was “I don’t know”. The fact he doesn’t date anyone long enough to remember being with them is a sure sign he is TV’s all-time greatest playboy.

Next to the guy who lives with the girls next door of course.

If you have a comment email me at tvdinner90210@yahoo.com